“You're Over-thinking It!!’ - Helpful observation or dismissive insult??

In the last few weeks I have been told on two separate occasions that I am ‘over-thinking it’. I have also observed others being ‘accused’ of over-thinking. I have many thoughts on this, yes hello irony.

Firstly, I have noticed that the motivation for saying ‘you’re over-thinking it’ or ‘stop over-thinking it!’ usually comes from one of two camps. Camp A is a place of encouragement and confidence. Camp B is an underhanded, patronizing and manipulative heart of darkness. Or, at the very least, is a duck-and-weave move. There’s a Camp C too but I’ll get to that later.

Let’s look at my two recent examples. One was on a professional level. I gently suggested to a colleague that there was some bias or unintentional discrimination I had noted in a document. When my comment was initially dismissed, I raised it again and was told I was ‘over-thinking it.’ Exhibit A.

The other was my continual hesitancy to enrol in an upcoming weekend course (doing something I love and would like to learn more about). Whenever my partner asked if I was going to do it I would say ‘I don’t think we can afford the course because…’ and ‘I’m not sure if it’s the right course for me because…’ etc. The latest conversation went like this:

Me: ‘I don’t think I should because I will have something on that weekend.’

Him: ‘But the course is what you will have on.’

Me: ‘But what if there’s something that I will really need to do, like how this weekend I now suddenly have to go and buy shoes for Kid F to wear to the Christmas Pageant.’

Him: ‘We will probably survive those types of emergencies without you.’

Me: ‘But what if…’

Him: ‘You’re over-thinking it. You need to shoot, then aim.’

Me:

Him: JUST ENROL IN THE BLOODY COURSE.* **

Exhibit B.

You can see how Exhibit A fits snugly into Camp B and Exhibit B fits into Camp A (No I’ve never been accused of over-complicating things). Exhibit B was coming from someone who recognizes that I often quash my own enjoyment of life, and hinder my personal growth, by putting so much thought into something that I let opportunities pass me by. There is undoubtedly a point in life where one needs to ‘stop thinking about it and just do it’ (or ‘shoot, then aim’).

Then there is Exhibit A. I find this to be a fascinating use of the term over-thinking and have heard it in this kind of context a lot. I find that when someone says ‘you are over-thinking it’ as an insult they are really trying to say:

‘You have caught me out and I don’t like it’

‘I want you to drop the subject because it’s making me feel uncomfortable’

‘Your input might lead to more work so I want you to dismiss it’

‘I know this is wrong but I don’t want you to make me feel guilty about it’

or, now this is a big one,

‘You are caring too much about this.’

Do you ever even hear the word ‘caring’ anymore (in regards to people)? Has it been re-interpreted as ‘nagging’, ‘whistle-blowing’, ‘protesting’ or, perhaps worst of all, ‘being soft/a snowflake and therefore annoying and unproductive’?

I had a conversation with a friend recently who noted that while ‘caring’ was an unmistakable quality of her daughters (to which I genuinely agreed), she had never heard her described as such. I reflected back on my old school reports which consistently noted in the comments that I was ‘caring and considerate of others’ (until the teenage years when they inexplicably morphed into ‘has a problem with authority’). Knowing my children share my nature, I have since scoured their reports looking for the word caring. Kind is almost always there, as is respectful, polite, friendly, helpful, empathetic, compassionate, endearing, gentle and cooperates productively and builds positive relationships with others (of course?!).

Caring seems to have fallen out of the modern discourse… or has it been rebranded as over-thinking?

Cooperates productively and builds positive relationship with others…

And is ‘You’re over-thinking it!’ a helpful observation or dismissive insult?

At risk of being a fence-sitter my thoughts are both, all, or none. So totally on brand.

If it feels like an insult or an accusation, or like you are being dismissed, it probably is. You are being told you care too much (or know too much?) and are becoming a fly in the ointment. Camp B.

If it feels like someone is telling you to face your fears, you are probably being told to face your fears. This person has faith in you. They are encouraging you to go for it. Camp A.

Now what about Camp C I hear you ask (because you have an incredibly good memory and don’t let anything go through to the keeper?):

Camp C is coming from a place of facts. Plain, you-don’t-need-to-interpret-it-any-other-way, facts. Every now and then someone will tell you that you are over-thinking something with no other motivation except that they have noticed you are thinking about/analyzing/reflecting on something more than seems typical or expected. I know that is hard to swallow, but trust me, it can happen.

Now I know we clearly need to talk about the response to being told ‘you’re over-thinking it!!!’ but it will have to wait until next time.

But here are a couple of quick ideas until then:

1. Pause, take a breath, say nothing. Nod and say ‘hmmmmm’ if you have to. Remember it may well be true, or the kick-up-the-butt you need.

2. Bring levity to the situation by saying ‘Am I? I need to think about that *smile*’ or ‘Do you think so?’

3. For those ready to (gently and passively) fight for their rights: ‘Yes, I’ve put quite a bit of thought into it because it’s something I really care about.’

And if you are up for good times and japes try these on for size:

I don’t know boss, am I over-thinking, or are you under-thinking??

and

OH YEAH YOU NAILED IT over-thinking is how I roll!

Enough thoughts for now. Mish xx

*I enrolled in the course.

** I immediately had something come up that I needed to do that weekend.