Catastrophizing: Friend of The Over-Thinker

I was out one night watching my friend perform the musical accompaniment for a locally created play. The venue was a small temporary tent theatre, erected for the purposes of an arts festival. It was totally edgy and cool but was also rickety, cramped, and soupy. The seats were a combination of wooden benches and hay bails, meaning the dry grassy floor was scattered with loose hay. To get in, or out, you had to feel your way along a series of plastic walls looking for openings.

I was having a drink outside during the break when two of my friends joined me. Part of our conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey beautiful sandals.

Friend A: Thanks!

Friend B (looking at both our shoes): Why am I the only one in heels tonight?

Friend A: There was no way I was going to wear heels. Have you seen this place? It’s a total firetrap.

I smiled. I was in the presence of a fellow catastrophizer.

Now some of you will be yelling at your screen: ‘she’s not a catastrophizer, she’s a realist (and a wise one at that). If a single spark fell in that place, the whole lot would be burned to cinders, theatre patrons included! Heels versus flats could be the difference between life and death.’

I agree that Friend A is a wise realist – if there was a fire in the premises, it would not have gone well and it was probably an OH&S issue - but I also maintain that she is a catastrophizer (and that perhaps so are you). Friend B did not consider for a second that there could be a fire, or what would happen if there was one. She certainly would not have chosen her footwear based on the possibility she could be running for her life later that evening.

Catastrophizing can take two fun-filled forms.

Firstly, it can be imagining a catastrophe out of a current situation e.g ‘I am being really boring tonight, everyone at this party must be wishing they didn’t have to talk to me. I bet no one would notice if I went home’ or ‘I’ve made so many mistakes on this test already, I am definitely going to fail. I may as well just stop.’ Oh yeah, catastrophizing is a real Debbie Downer.

Secondly, it can be concern for an imaginary future catastrophe like ‘the fire in the theatre’ example above or thinking things like ‘my boss is going to think my management on this project sucked and won’t put me on the next one. My contract will finish and not only will I not be rehired here, my reputation will be sullied and I won’t be hired anywhere.’ These thoughts can really snowball (‘then I won’t be able to pay the bills and will eventually become homeless’ etc).

When I am talking about this with kids I draw a series of circles which represent bigger and bigger planets. In the planet Earth we write the known facts(e.g got 43% on the exam or Jasmine didn’t invite me to the party). Then we write in the planets all the thoughts that have come from that (I am going to fail the subject, or Jasmine hates me). Their ultimate catastrophizing thought (I will get kicked out of school, everyone hates me) is written in the sun – that raging hot, firey ball of GAS. It burns but it is full of nothing right? Together we try to find a way to cool down the thoughts in the sun, and all the thoughts that lead them to this state of imaginary fear. We use the word catastrophizing (or, depending on the child, crazy bananas/Debbie Downer thoughts etc) so when those thoughts come, they are recognized, labeled, and understood. We also explore the fact that that none of the ‘thought planets’ are actually bad, because they are just thoughts and they come from our very cool, very brilliant brain. But, it is an amazing thing if you can cool down those thoughts, especially before you make any decisions based on them.

I mean, it’s not great if you are thinking you’ve failed the test before you’ve even finished it, but it’s just a thought at this point. The big goal is to recognize the thought and work with it before doing something like handing it in unfinished or tearing it up because ‘what’s the point?’. Same with the thoughts about being boring at the party - the thoughts are that you’re a crappy conversationalist, but the action is if you decide to go home (or never go out) because of it. Catastrophising thoughts in themselves can be destructive no doubt about it, but if you can work on them before you act on them, you’re doing a bloody fabulous job.

The choices are: go through an unpredictable door, or never go through another door again…hmmmmm…

My personal favourite catatrophizing thought pattern is of pending death, injury, abduction and disaster. I often wonder how I manage to get through each day when I have horror movies evolve in front of me with every step I take. When I say goodbye to my kids in the morning I see them getting abducted as they walk to school, or intensely humiliated by teachers in class, or bullied by arsehole children in the playground. I drive to work seeing cars crash into me, or running over people on bikes then holding them in my arms while they die. Then it’s the after school sport run (pedophile coaches!), free play outside (life destroying injuries!), taking them to sleepovers (pedophile dads, evil mums, lock-you-in-a-suitcase siblings!) and general night times at home (fires! Ceiling collapses! intruders climbing through windows!). You can see the pattern, it’s a nightmare. Speaking of which, you should see my nightmares…

But here’s the thing. I don’t want to give my kids any more anxiety than they naturally have. I want them to be resilient and take on challenges. I don’t wish for them to have a shitty boring life where they don’t take risks and don’t feel disappointment, and don’t have bad days. They deserve better, they deserve the full life experience and that is hugely motivating for me. So I spend a lot of energy on my head and my thoughts, reminding myself that they would suffer if I didn’t let them do things because of my own fears…and that it is HIGHLY EXTREMELY UNLIKELY that they will get abducted. Of course I teach them how to keep themselves safe while they are out in the real world but if my kids took on even 1% of what went on in my head they would be frozen in life, and forever in therapy. I remember my mum telling me stories ‘from the news’ that were mostly about dire things happening to children in public toilets and it took me 20 years to be able to feel safe doing a quick wee anywhere beside my own home. So I let my kids do stuff, and I do stuff too…and my brain has an extreme catastrophizing spasm and I feel like I’m drowning and it’s hard to breathe…then I go to work on my thoughts, and I keep distracted, and I work on my thoughts some more. I try not to act on my catastrophising until I have seriously cooled it down. I remind myself that a lot of life is about crossing ones fingers, and that I’m doing a bang up job getting through every day with the undeniable pretense of being totally cool and flexible about everything…while wearing flat shoes of course…