Weird Shit To Expect When You Are Expecting


I remember reading a number of 'what to expect' books and articles when I was 'expecting'. All those over-sharing parent-writers apparently let me in on all of their secrets. Of course there is no such thing as taking the surprise out of having kids but I did know a few things were coming. I knew to expect the joyful things like that mushy, gushy, overwhelming, eternal love that you feel for no one else but your own kids.

I knew to expect the sad things like the heartbreak of hearing your kids getting teased, or watching them fail something despite their determination and fervour.

I knew to expect that at some stage my kids would poo/wee/vomit on me (and in my mouth as it turns out),  shout out at the shops that they want a new mummy, eat the cat food, fall off the nappy change table/couch/trampoline/wagon, and post a coin into my car CD player.

I knew to expect many many early rises, bruises with no origin, cold cups of tea, and a constant cloudy feeling that a brain-thief had visited during the night and swapped my grey matter for wobbly yellow jelly.

I got told to expect a lot, and I got a lot of what I expected. Those writer-parent folks know their shit.

The one thing no one can describe however, is all the random weirdness that kids bring into your life. The tiny little things that you don't realise are weird until someone says 'woah, that's WEIRD' and the hugely nutso things that make you feel like your whole house has become a random wacky farm o' funny.

Sometimes you become so accustomed to the weirdness that you stop noticing it. I had a day like that recently. So I grabbed the camera and tried to think like my pre-parent self. It didn't take long before I realised my kids are doing really freaky stuff, all the time, everywhere I look. You can't help but giggle out loud at all the weirdness, funny little buggars.

So new parents, and parents-to-be, here is the type of weird shit to expect after you have stopped 'expecting'...

On the breakfast table: A cup of eyeball tea with 3 vials of 'concoction'.

In the toilet: In case you require some rhythm with your movement.

Under their pillows: Everything you were ever looking for (including your iPad keyboard and a roll of alfoil).

In the car: No road ragers with baseball bats in the review mirror anymore.

In the pram: Their favourite 'stick' from the park.

Tucked into bed with them: A hysterically happy, Happy Meal box (no they don't get 'Old Macdonalds' very often, deprived children that they are).

Everywhere: Rock/bone/brick/shell collections

And I



And of course the usual weirdness; A Barbie orgy,

Animal 'astronauts',

and stickers on every single thing you own. Top effort tissues!

Very thoughtful, cupboard.

Wow chair, you must have done something really special!!

Last but not least (for now); my two beautiful kids who I feel the most mushy, gushy, overwhelming, eternal love for, getting married…to each other…again.

Do you find weirdness around your house that you can blame on the kids? Feel free to share so we I can feel a lot more normal about it.