Holiday Hair, Hats and Claws.

So the school holidays are still going. Yep, they are still going. Still. Going. Can they STILL BE FRICKING GOING???!!! WILL THEY EVER FRICKING END???!!! I am usually a complete school holiday lover. I love the not-making-lunches and I love the not-rushy-rushy in the mornings. I love the kids being able to play together all day rather than separating in the mornings wishing they were able to play together all day. I love that we can go to the beach together on a Tuesday.

But with two weeks to go, we have an issue.

At the end of the last school year I lost my tiny amount of kid-free time each week to, well, kids. To concerts and graduation ceremonies (for pre kindy?!) and keeping them home for rest days lest they fall asleep at school from total end-of-year exhaustion (oh yes, that happened). So it basically feels like it has been four years since I have done a wee by myself or had a shower without an accompanying lesson in human biology. It feels like it has just been me and them, them and me, all day, all night, dawn till dawn, since I was about their age.

Now before y’all start writing to me with erudite advice on how to make the school holidays more fun or how to enjoy a summer full of family joy, let me explain what the issue is. The issue with not having any alone time in 9 weeks is the discernible lack of grooming.

There are some things you just can’t drag a couple of 4 and 6 year old kids along to, despite the invention of iPads. Things like pap smears, bikini waxing, pedicures, spin class, hairdressers, dentists, colonoscopies*, fire lighting workshops and so on.

So I have had to create myself a new beauty regime. I call it The School Holidays School of Beauty Regime and it goes like this: look like shit, hairy claw-footed shit. Here are my favourite achievements from the regime:

I grew out my eyebrow, lip and chin hair until it all joined up. It looks great and I just tell people that some smart-arse drew a mutilated love heart on my face with black texta while I was in a drunken coma. Apparently that is quite believable.

Which one of you pesky kids drew all this hair on my face?

I have learnt to chew my food on the side with the molars that don’t need work done. I am even dribbling slightly less now.

I have worn hats. A lot. To the shops, to bed, to the beach (where I really blend in, clever).

I have dropped in to conversations that I am trialling a new, and quite unsuccessful, toenail medication. I think I have come across as a savvy entrepreneur who is willing to 'do what it takes' to get some marketing for my feet (what a dream).

I just need a little moisturiser and a trim...

Lastly, when I am at the beach I have loudly mentioned 'bush is back baby!' whenever someone stared at me like they have just seen their first white-gorilla-whale-in-a-hat.

It's so cool even the mannequins are doing it.

I am still working on the rest of the hideousness but suffice to say it is not the best I have ever looked. And there is still two weeks to go. Two more weeks of happy hippy type livin' (if I don't get strangled during the night with the new batch of hair I have found growing on my neck).

Despite all this at the end of the two weeks you can watch out for my post titled 'End of Holiday Tears, Tears and Tears: I don't miss my hair, hats and claws, but I sure miss my kids. Bring on the next school holidays!'

* I actually did have a colonoscopy a couple of weeks ago (you can look forward to that tale). I was in hospital for the afternoon and had a full two hours of partly unconscious alone time. Totally worth it.